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It's human nature and inevitable for most people, to sometimes doubt our own abilities or feel a tinge of inferiority, especially when facing challenges, unfamiliar situations; and among others who are more experienced or perceived to be more talented. How can we cultivate & maintain a healthy self-esteem most of the time then? Why is this so important to triumph, enjoy and live our best everyday lives? Read on & learn from Dr Nathaniel Branden, a psychotherapist and writer who specializes in the psychology of self-esteem and his more than 3 decades of practitioner experience! Raye
Source: Dr Nathaniel Branden, La Belle Foundation, with minor edits
All over the world today there is an awakening to the importance of individual self-esteem - that a human being cannot hope to realize his or her potential without a healthy self-esteem.
Self-esteem is the experience that we are appropriate to life and to the requirements of life. More specifically, the
(a) confidence in our ability to think, confidence in our ability to cope with the challenges of life; and
(b) confidence in our right to be happy, the feeling of being worthy, deserving, entitled to respect our needs and wants and to enjoy the fruits of our efforts.
Self-esteem is not a free gift that we need only claim: its possession over time represents an achievement. Self-esteem is a basic human need indispensable to normal and healthy development ie has survival-value.
Positive self-esteem operates as, in effect, the immune system of consciousness, providing resistance, strength, and a capacity for regeneration. When self-esteem is low, our resilience in the face of life’s adversities is diminished. We crumble before vicissitudes that a healthier sense of self could vanquish. We tend to be more influenced by the desire to avoid pain than to experience joy; negatives have more power over us than positives.
If we do not believe in ourselves—neither in our efficacy nor in our goodness—the universe is a frightening place.
If we do have a realistic confidence in our mind and value, if we feel secure within ourselves, we tend to experience the world as open to us and to respond appropriately to challenges and opportunities. Self-esteem empowers, energizes, motivates. It inspires us to achieve and allows us to take pleasure and pride in our achievements. It allows us to experience satisfaction.
A well-developed sense of self is a necessary condition of our well-being but however, not a sufficient condition. Its presence does not guarantee fulfillment; but its lack guarantees some measure of anxiety, frustration, and despair.
The emergence of a global economy characterized by rapid change, accelerating scientific and technological breakthroughs, and an unprecedented level of competitiveness, create greater demands required of previous generations. This is asked not just “at the top,” but at every level of a business enterprise, from senior management to first-line supervisors and even to entry-level personnel. These developments ask for a greater capacity for innovation, self-management, personal responsibility, and self-direction.
In a world where there are more choices and options than ever before, and frontiers of limitless possibilities face us in whatever direction we look, we require a higher level of personal autonomy. This means a greater need to exercise independent judgment, to cultivate our own resources, and to take responsibility for the choices, values, and actions that shape our lives; a greater need for self-trust and self-reliance; a greater need for a reality-based belief in ourselves. The greater the number of choices and decisions we need to make at a conscious level, the more urgent our need for self-esteem.
To the extent that we are confident in the efficacy of our minds—confident of our ability to think, learn, understand—we tend to persevere when faced with difficult or complex challenges. Persevering, we tend to succeed more often than we fail, thus confirming and reinforcing our sense of efficacy. To the extent that we doubt the efficacy of our minds and lack confidence in our thinking, we tend not to persevere but to give up. Giving up, we fail more often than we succeed, thus confirming and reinforcing our negative self-assessment.
High self-esteem seeks the stimulation of demanding goals; and reaching demanding goals nurtures good self-esteem. Low self-esteem seeks safety of the familiar and undemanding; and confining oneself to the familiar and undemanding serves to weaken self-esteem.
The higher our self-esteem, the better equipped we are to cope with adversity in our careers or in our personal lives; the quicker we are to pick ourselves up after a fall; the more energy we have to begin anew.
The higher our self-esteem, the more ambitious we tend to be, not necessarily in a career or financial sense, but in terms of what we hope to experience in life—emotionally, creatively, spiritually. The lower our self-esteem, the less we aspire to, and the less we are likely to achieve. Either path tends to be self-reinforcing and self-perpetuating.
The higher our self-esteem, the more disposed we are to form nourishing rather than toxic relationships—since like is drawn to like, health is attracted to health, and vitality and expansiveness in others are naturally more appealing to persons of good self-esteem than are emptiness and dependency.
The higher our self-esteem, the more inclined we are to treat others with respect, benevolence, good will, and fairness—since we do not tend to perceive them as a threat, and since self-respect is the foundation of respect for others.
Self-esteem has two interrelated aspects: a sense of personal efficacy (self-efficacy) and as sense of personal worth (self-respect).
Self-efficacy means confidence in the functioning of my mind, in my ability to think, in the processes by which I judge, choose, decide; confidence in my ability to understand the facts of reality that fall within the sphere of my interests and needs; ie self-trust & self-reliance.
Self-respect means assurance of my value; an affirmative attitude toward my right to live and to be happy; comfort in appropriately asserting my thoughts, wants, and needs; the feeling that joy is my natural birthright.
Consider that if an individual felt inadequate to face the challenges of life, if an individual lacked fundamental self-trust, confidence in his or her mind, we would recognize the presence of a self-esteem deficiency, no matter what other assets he or she possessed.
Or if an individual lacked a basic sense of self-respect, felt unworthy or undeserving of the love or respect of others, un-entitled to happiness, fearful of assertive thoughts, wants, or needs—again we would recognize a self-esteem deficiency, no matter what other positive attributes he or she exhibited.
Self-efficacy and self-respect are the dual pillars of healthy self-esteem; absent either one, self-esteem is impaired.
Within a given person, there will be inevitable fluctuations in self-esteem levels. We need to think in terms of a person’s average level of self-esteem.
1. As fundamentally competent to cope with the challenges of life; thus, trust in one’s mind and its processes; self-efficacy.
2. As worthy of success and happiness; thus, the perception of oneself as someone to whom achievement, success, respect, friendship, love, are appropriate; self-respect.
To sum up in a formal definition: self-esteem is the disposition to experience oneself as competent to cope with the challenges of life and as deserving of happiness.
We cannot work on self-esteem directly, neither our own nor anyone else’s, because self-esteem is a consequence—a product of internally generated practices. More than three decades of study have convinced me that six such practices are crucial and fundamental.
#1 The Practice of Living Consciously.
We cannot feel competent in life while wandering around (at work, dealing with bosses, subordinates, associates, customers, or in our marriages, or in our relations with our children) in a self-induced mental fog. A thousand times a day we must choose between thinking and nonthinking. Gradually, over time, we establish a sense of the kind of person we are, depending on the choices we make, the degree of rationality and integrity we exhibit. This is the reputation of which I speak.
Living consciously entails:
A mind that is active rather than passive.
An intelligence that takes joy in its own function.
Being “in the moment,” without losing the wider context.
Reaching out toward relevant facts other than withdrawing from them.
Noticing and confronting one’s impulses to avoid or deny painful or threatening realities.
Being concerned to know “where I am” relative to my various (personal and professional) goals and projects, and whether I am succeeding or failing.
Being concerned to know if my actions are in alignment with my purposes.
Searching for feedback from the environment so as to adjust or correct my course when necessary.
Persevering in the attempt to understand, in spite of difficulties.
Being receptive to new knowledge and willing to re-examine old assumptions.
Being willing to see and correct mistakes.
Seeking always to expand awareness—a commitment to learning—therefore, a commitment to growth as a way of life.
A concern to understand the world around me.
A concern to know not only external reality but also internal, the reality of my needs, feelings, aspirations, and motives, so that I am not a stranger or a mystery to myself.
#2. The Practice of Self-Acceptance
At the deepest level, this is the virtue of commitment to the value of our own person.
It is expressed, in part, through our willingness to accept—that is, to make real to ourselves, without denial or evasion—that we think what we think, feel what we feel, have done what we have done, and are what we are. It is the refusal to regard any part of ourselves—our bodies, our fears, our thoughts, our actions our dreams—as alien, as “not me.”
Self-acceptance is our willingness to experience rather than to disown whatever may be the facts of our being at a particular moment. Self-acceptance is our refusal to be in an adversarial relationship to ourselves.
It is the willingness to say of any emotion or behavior, “This is an expression of me—not necessarily an expression I like or admire—but an expression of me nonetheless, at least at the time it occurred.” It is the virtue of realism—that is, of respect for reality—applied to the self. Thus, if I am confronted with a mistake I have made, in accepting that it is mine I am free to learn from it and do better in the future. I cannot learn from a mistake I cannot accept having made. Self-acceptance is the precondition of change and growth.
3. The Practice of Self-Responsibility
To feel competent to live and worthy of happiness, I need to experience a sense of control over my existence. This requires that I be willing to take responsibility for my actions and the attainment of my goals—which means that I take responsibility for my life and well-being.
The practice of self-responsibility entails these realizations:
I am responsible for the achievement of my desires.
I am responsible for my choices and actions.
I am responsible for the level of consciousness I bring to my work.
I am responsible for the level of consciousness I bring to my relationships.
I am responsible for my behavior with other people—co-workers, associates, customers, spouse, children, friends.
I am responsible for how I prioritize my time.
I am responsible for the quality of my communications.
I am responsible for my personal happiness.
I am responsible for choosing the values by which I live.
I am responsible for raising the level of my self-esteem.
To the extent that I evade responsibility for my life, I inflict wounds on my self-esteem. In accepting responsibility, I build self-esteem.
4. The Practice of Self-Assertiveness
This is the virtue of appropriate self-expression—the willingness to put my thoughts, convictions, values, and feelings into reality. Its opposite is that surrender to timidity which consists of consigning myself to a perpetual underground where everything that I am lies hidden or still-born—to avoid confrontation with someone who’s values differ from mine, or to please, placate, or manipulate someone, or in order simply to “belong.”
Self-assertion does not mean belligerence or inappropriate aggressiveness. It simply means the willingness to stand up for myself, to be who I am openly, to treat myself with respect in all human encounters. It means the refusal to fake my person to be liked.
To practice self-assertiveness is to live authentically, to speak and act from my innermost convictions and feelings—as a way of life, as a general rule (allowing for particular circumstances in which I may justifiably choose not to do so eg confronted by a hold-up man).
To aspire is not yet self-assertion, or just barely; but to bring my aspirations into reality, is. To hold values is not yet self-assertion, or just barely; to pursue them and stand by them in the world, is. Healthy self-assertion entails the willingness to confront rather than evade the challenges of life and to strive for mastery. When we expand the boundaries of our ability to cope, we expand self-efficacy and self-respect.
5. The Practice of Living Purposefully
All living action is goal directed. Through our purposes we organize our behavior, giving it focus and direction. Through our purposes we create the sense of structure that allows us to experience control over our existence.
To live without purpose is to live at the mercy of chance because we have no standard by which to judge what is or is not worth doing. Outside forces bounce us along, like a cork floating on water, with no initiative of our own to set a specific course. Our orientation to life is reactive rather than proactive.
To live purposefully is to use our powers for the attainment of goals we have selected: the goal of studying, of raising a family, of earning a living, of starting a new business, of bringing a new product into the marketplace, of solving a scientific problem, of building a vacation home. It is our goals that led us forward. It is our goals that call on the exercise of our faculties. It is our goals that energize our existence.
To live purposefully is to live productively—which is a necessity of making ourselves competent to life. It is not the degree of a person’s productive ability that matters here, but the person’s choice to exercise such ability as he or she possesses. It is not the kind of work selected that is important (provided the work is not intrinsically anti-life), but whether a person seeks work that requires and expresses the full use of his or her intelligence, if the opportunity to do so exists.
We build our sense of fundamental efficacy through the mastery of particular forms of efficacy related to the attainment of particular tasks. It is not that achievements “prove” our worth, but rather that the process of achieving is the means by which we develop our effectiveness, our competence at living. So, productive work has the potential of being a powerful self-esteem building activity.
To live purposefully and productively requires that we cultivate within ourselves a capacity for self-discipline. Self-discipline is the ability to organize our behavior over time in the service of specific tasks. No one can feel fully competent to cope with the challenges of life who is without the capacity for self-discipline. The root of my self-esteem is not my achievements but those internally generated practices that, among other things, make it possible for me to achieve.
6. The Practice of Integrity
As we mature and develop our own values and standards (or absorb them from others), the issue of personal integrity assumes increasing importance in our self-assessment. Integrity is the integration of ideals, convictions, standards, beliefs—and behavior. When our behavior is congruent with our professed values, when ideals and practice match, we have integrity.
When we behave in ways that conflict with our judgment of what is appropriate, we lose face in our own eyes. We respect ourselves less. If the policy becomes habitual, we trust ourselves less or cease to trust ourselves at all. When a breach of integrity wounds self-esteem, only the practice of integrity can heal it.
At the simplest level, personal integrity entails such questions as: Am I honest, reliable, and trustworthy? Do I keep my promises? Do I do the things I say I admire and do I avoid the things I say are despicable?
To understand why lapses of integrity are detrimental to self-esteem, consider if I act against what I myself regard as right, if my actions clash with my expressed values, then I act against my judgment, I betray my mind. A default on integrity undermines me and contaminates my sense of self. It damages me as no external rebuke or rejection can damage me.
If I preach a concern with quality but indifferently sell my customers shoddy goods, if I unload bonds I know to be falling in value to a client who trusts my honor, if I pretend to care about my staff’s ideas when my mind is already made up, if I out-maneuver a colleague in the office and appropriate his achievements —I may evade hypocrisy, I may insist “everyone does it,” I may tell myself anything I like, but the fact remains I launch an assault on my self-respect that no rationalization will dispel. If I am uniquely situated to raise my self-esteem, I am also uniquely situated to lower it.
If I feel centered within myself, secure with my boundaries, confident in my right to say yes when I say yes and no when I want to say no—benevolence is the natural result. There is no need to fear others, no need to protect myself with hostility. If I am secure in my right to exist, confident that I belong to myself, unthreatened by certainty in others, then co-operation with them to achieve shared goals to develop spontaneously.
Empathy and compassion, no less than benevolence and co-operativeness, are far more likely to be found among persons of high self-esteem than among low; my relationship to others tends to mirror and reflect my relationship to myself.
Thus, the more I live consciously, the more I trust my mind and respect my worth. The more I trust my mind and respect my worth, the more natural it feels to live consciously. The more I live with integrity, the more I enjoy good self-esteem. The more I enjoy good self-esteem, the more natural it feels to live with integrity.
Once we understand these practices, we have the power (at least to some degree) to choose them. The power to choose them is the power to raise the level of our self-esteem, from whatever point we may be starting and however difficult the project may be in the early stages.
Instead of seeking self-esteem through consciousness, responsibility, and integrity, we may seek in through popularity, prestige, material acquisitions, or sexual exploits. Instead of valuing personal authenticity, we may value belonging to the right clubs, or the right church, or the right political party. Instead of practicing appropriate self-assertion, we may practice blind loyalty to our particular group. Instead of seeking self-respect through honesty, we may seek it through philanthropy ( I must be a good person, I do “good works”). Instead of striving for the power of competence, we may pursue the “power” of manipulating or controlling other people.
The possibilities for self-deception are almost endless—all the blind alleys down which we can lose ourselves, not realizing that what we desire cannot be purchased with counterfeit currency. Self-esteem is an intimate experience; it resides in the core of my being. It is what I think and feel about myself, not what someone else thinks or feels about me.
I can be loved by my family, my mate, and my friends, and yet not love myself. I can be admired by my associates and yet regard myself as worthless. I can project an image of assurance and poise that fools virtually everyone and yet secretly tremble with a sense of my inadequacy.
I can fulfill the expectations of others and yet fail my own; I can win every honor and yet feel I have accomplished nothing; I can be adored by millions and yet wake up each morning with a sickening sense of fraudulence and emptiness.
The acclaim of others does not create our self-esteem. Neither do knowledge, skills, material possessions, marriage, parenthood, philanthropic endeavors, sexual conquests, or face lifts. These things can sometimes make us feel better about ourselves temporarily, or more comfortable in particular situations. But comfort is not self-esteem.
Clearly, it is wiser to seek companions who are the friends of one’s self-esteem rather than its enemies. Nurturing relationships are preferable to toxic ones. But to look to others as a primary source of our self-esteem is dangerous: first, because it doesn’t work; and second, because we run the risk of becoming approval addicts, which is deadly to mental and emotional well-being.
In conclusion: It might have struck you, reflecting on my list of self-esteem practices, that they sound very much like a code of ethics—or part of one. That is true. The virtues that self-esteem asks of us are also ones that life asks of us.
Learn the importance of cultivating a healthy self-esteem to live a triumphant & enjoyable life!
